Lesson in Physics in Chemistry class

Getting older means you start to lose a lot of your sense of humour. The simple things become more complex and so they aren't as funny as they used to be. Take for instance: Fat people. Proper overweight people with the BMI like a cricket score. That used to be the funniest thing in highschool. 

We had a teacher in highschool named Miss Zerf. Now, before I get into this I do want to explain that if I ever saw this women again I would give her a massive hug and apologise for all the grief we batted her, but look – boys are boys. Adolescent boys are a tough crowd. Miss Zerf, with her curtain cloth wearing, cake eating, 130 kilogram body was a super soft target. I want to share the one time in chemistry class where adolescent Dodgy Doug showed his face…maybe even for the first time.

I enjoyed chemistry class. Something about learning how to make bombs from milk and pool acid that attracted me. The lab had a store room filled with magnesium ribbon, mercury and sodium. You would get to class a little earlier so you could through this in water and set fire to that. Awesome. Anyway, Miss Zerf was our Chemistry teacher. The lab was set out like most labs. Long wooden bench-type desks that run parallel from the oversized chalk board at the front of the class to the back where the storeroom and really odd greenhouse was. That greenhouse was never used but it grew things for some reason. We never once used anything from that little room. Looking back now I can’t help but think there was a serious 13 leaf strain dope plant back there that spoke Latin and unraveled the mysteries of space exploration. Something was going on.

Anyway, precariously poised on the tiniest high heels and carrying a full sized chocolate cake, Miss Zerf walks into the classroom. With those little heels screaming out in pain only felt before by Atlas, she carefully strutted to her station and placed her lunch down. “Right open your text books to pg. 120. Place your homework on the table for me to see that it is done and unpack your home chemistry kits”. Damn it. Three warnings and a detention notice later, after I caught up on my homework and got another chemistry kit, we were heading into page 120.

Miss Zerf stood at the end of the table with the group of us sitting adjacent to her down the row. She was prodding away at a tea spoon of Sodium with a toothpick attempting to dislodge it into the shallow bath of water when this odd little sound was heard. “Crick”… The sodium dislodged and fell into the water. Now watching that little bugger run around in sizzling exothermic madness was interesting but I was more focused on what that little sound was. Where did it come from? I focused in on Miss Zerf and noticed her brow was pumping sweat more than usual. There was a slight look of panic in her eyes as she inconspicuously shifted her weight over her hips from one foot to the other.

The sodium shot from one side of the bowl to the other in one last attempt to get out of its firey hell but it failed. The peas sized particle jumped and sizzled about in front of Miss Zerf when I noticed the backdrop starting to shift. She started to shift. Now, because she is so broad it messes with your perception a little. The shift was so slight and so subtle that you may have thought the room itself had perhaps just moved. “Creeeeeeeak” this time it was louder and longer. It’s not the sodium! A massive smile erupts on my face when I notice it’s something coming from Miss Zerf. Something is going wrong here. Her eyes light up, her arms went tense and the world outside went quiet for this moment: “SNAP!” there goes her high heel. Poor bugger just gave up, crushed by the world on his shoulders.

I have never, in my life, seen someone fall so slowly. Grappling in panic as she started heading down in a circular motion with her arms flapping about trying to get grip on the table edge. As her head passed the level of the table top her feet came off the ground and she executed the most unbelievable barrel roll over to her right towards the classroom door. Promise – it was like a beach ball going over. As she eclipsed the door her feet came 180 and were pointing to the sky. She was propped on her head there for a while as it was jammed up against the floor. Then, as if it was a physics experiment on center of mass and potential energy she rolled back around the opposite direction and back up onto her knees.

The process, honestly, took about 60 seconds. It was remarkable. She recovered and got herself up. Patted off the dust and looked up at us. The table of boys all with front row seats. Silence.

“Okay boys, have your laugh and get it over with”

I didn’t laugh. I kept in it. But, it started to bubble. I replayed the motion in my head like a sport action shot and bit down on my top lip. Don’t laugh now, that’s rude. Don’t laugh. I would like to say I was mature enough to feel genuine concern and pity for her but like I said… I was 14.

I laughed and laughed and laughed.