Beans with Caffeine in Them

Boredom is a strange thing. Some people eat, some people sleep and some people go mad with a butchers cleaver in a post office. Me: I write articles about all the dumb s**t I got up to in my younger years.

This started when I used to write little columns and odd stories in my bored time when I worked in Dubai. Mostly in the mornings whilst sipping away to cheap chicory based, freeze blasted, granulated, poo coffee cuppa Joe. Suppose I have got a bit spoilt on my last project here in South Africa with the freshly ground roasted Arabica beans. It was the freezing cold that started it. Much like fatty acid craving started my epic Avo on toast phase that could make pack of Gorillas go off eating for a while. Coffee, you see, is the new cigarette. Much like the cigarette was the new cocaine back in the 70’s. Time moves on an along with so does all the awesome “ill-health” substances we enjoy. 

So here is my theory: The users of these "mental state enhancing" substances understand their value. By "mental" I mean "bonkers". Take Aerosmith for instance. Weird misplaced country rock type music in the 70's with a fairly decent vocalist turns into a lyrical and musical genius lead by the most recognisable voice in the industry for the past 40 years. Cocaine (amongst other powders i am sure) did that. They are still rocking to this day because of its value-added benefits – even though last consumed all those years ago. The axe man grew his hair out, the beats found their soul and Mr. Tyler...well we all know how his voice box does its thing. 

Sure you will have abuse and a small percentage of the users that cock it up for everybody – take…well pretty much every tit that ever OD’d. Daddy wanted you to go to rehab because you dressed like a skank…no other reason.You overdid it and now its illegal.

Now, Cigarettes, in the 90’s made hundreds of rake rat skinny boys look cool and eligible for some female interaction. You didn’t have to be a stunning, defined jawed, chizzle abs, protein enhanced, clear skinned Uber Man. You just had to smoke. Camel. While wearing a leather jacket. Just look at your Dad when he was twenty something – he still pulled you Mum didn't he? Nice.

So where are we heading with this trend? In this phase of eco-friend is e-cool…coffee is the only substance we have left that is not illegal for use in public places. You can enjoy it in front of a child, at the park, whilst patting a puppy and nobody will bat an eyelid. However it is still addictive, it still has ill-health effects, it still alters things in your blood stream. Used in the correct dosage it takes effect and makes things seem faster – clearer – more aligned. You feel more confident, more capable and more sociable. Cocaine? Good news is nobody seems to have OD’d from it yet or developed caffeine sourced cancer. Yet. 

Took them a few months to figure out cocaine is the reason people were OD’ing. A few years to figure out smoking was causing a seemingly never-ending array of cancers. How much longer till some beige lab clothed douche bag  comes out and proves that caffeine is in fact the cause of irrational emotional anger spikes and deems that socially unacceptable and medically unsafe. Next moment from now I will have to by my cuppa from some dodgy character my son introduces me to. Big African fella named Simon who is waiting in the alley behind the old Vide e Cafe. I will have to pass the sniffing Rottweilers, interact with the pat down and sport a gold tooth. Coffee will be referred to as "the beans" or perhaps something more gangster like "the grounds".

Doesn't stop there. Much like the doctors who have control over who gets morphine and the government over who smokes a cigarette: We will all have to choose between being an outcast drug addict or drinking decaffeinated coffee. Which is like having sex with a hooker or sex with your sister. The one is illegal and the other….well…sure it feels the same but it’s just not right. 

There is no point to this article what so ever. Just an open discussion with myself. Whist sipping on my brown watery stuff. I have my percolator here and my plunger at home. Just no beans. Bugger.

And in that moment of clarity I have decided to go buy some beans. With caffeine in them.