Honda...What a Cock Block

I flick the revs up and down to signal the race. I hear the acceptance and response from the fella in the blacked out VW Golf GTI two lanes down. I pay my money, pick up the revs to 4500rpm and hold her tight against the handbrake.  The boom gates go up, my clutch drops hard and I set off like a bat out of hell. Who said toll gates can’t be fun?

My tollgate lady set me off two or three seconds quicker than the GTI a few lanes down. In my mirror, as I slammed her into second, I spotted him launching off with the intent of hunting me down. 5500rpm, 6500 rpm, 7500 rpm and a shift into third. “Flip this Vtec head is making a massive difference” I thought to myself as that Japtech motor mauled its way through third gear like angry wolverine on a caffeine high. Up into fourth and I hear the humming sound of the GTI hot on my heels. He is gaining on me.

Oh wait. Hold on. This is where the story ends… this is where my beloved Honda Ballade gave her swansong. Let me rather start back at the beginning.

I sold my first car – the most awesome car I have ever and possibly will ever own. With some spending money in hand I went out to find myself my next ride. With only R20000 at hand (that is market relative to 1000USD car) I waded through thousands of tatty old Toyota’s, beaten up Nissan's and granny-mobile Mazda’s before I came across this ex-army gentleman selling his SH4 Honda Ballade. The one with the open lights. I have always loved that shape and to put a cherry on top this one was one of the very rare AMD kitted Ballades. I popped over to the man’s home on the Army base and drove her out the gates 15 minutes later. “I got this for a steal” I thought to myself as I drove her to a nearby tuning house to get the already-booked Vtec head and Management system installed with the complimentary intake and outlet works.

The only glitch was the gent did not have the papers available to me at the time. He asked me to pop back around early next week and pick them up. He came across as a upstanding gentleman from the Army with honorable values and I had the hand written sale agreement already so I figured that should be just fine. Boy was I wrong.

I went to his house the next week and they had all moved away. The house was baron. They even took the rats I'm sure. Not a single neighbour knew where they had went or how I could contact them. I went to the police station and had a Lieutenant friend of mine pull the vehicles records and the flippen thing wasn’t even in that guys name. So, in essence, I paid 20 000 South African rand for a car that was – as all legal documents point out – was stolen. Bollocks… I really did get her for a steal.

So, what is the best thing to do with a stolen car? Well if I give it to the police they will confiscate it. They will not be able to track down this Drill Sargent Rambo enthusiast Army man. So if i give her up  I will have lost my money and my car. So instead I drove her around…fast.

“I have never taken her above 200km/h yet” I thought to myself as the GTI came level with us. I had these two flippen sexy lesbian girls in the car with me (story for another time) and with their husky-voice cheering and captivating cleavages I decided the safest thing to do is win this race. So I pressed her hard (the Vtec motor) – 7500 rpm in fourth as we pass the 200km/h mark and I slam her into fifth. Its hot neck and neck action (the race – not the girls) and you could feel the vibrations from the body work (once again the car) as we passed the 220km/h mark. At 240km/h with the speedometer off the clock all of a sudden there was this moment – just like in the movies – this moment of calmness and clarity where everything slowed down. With a massive grin on my face and a raging hard-on I saw that little Honda start taking the lead.  Seconds felt like minutes as I absorbed the awesomeness. 250km/h and the girls were clutching hands and screaming with excitement. The motor was peaking like a rotary, the sky was clear and the tar was hot. This is my day. This story will last a life time. From here it is onward to race victory – visions of grandeur while I get bathed in champagne and score a threesome with the lesbians…I have reached Nirvana.

BOOM! Rrrrta ta ta tha thaaaa boom bang THA! I can’t spell the massive array of awful sounds my Honda started to make but it felt like we had a serious pissed off Tiger in the bonnet. I limped off to the side of the road to assess the damages to my wild cat…she was fried. 50km from our destination and there I am standing on the side of the road. I had to snail-drive me and the disappointed lesbians at 10km/h all the way home.

Honda…What a cock block…

Ps: For those whom are law abiding folk among my readers the new owner has sorted out the paperwork with the car show room that was the proxy blah blah blah whatever – its sorted out.