No Regular Roastie

My love, my lady. My pride, my joy and my old boney is bleeding. She is injured. I got swiped off the road by a tiny little Indian lady in a massive Dodge Journey. She took me out and the curb did the rest. As I traveled through the air I remembered, amongst other thoughts, the first real bail I took on her: It was a hot summers day at Witbank Dam.

French and Farmers

Good on you New Zealand. Drill those Frenchies! France was never too kind to me. In my opinion: Napoleon was probably just an average Joe. Well a short average Joe but not any more arrogant or self-centered as the rest of them.

Psycho Eyes Shamus

“No boy! Stop that! Down Shamus!” I was shouting from about 20 meters away. Shamus, foaming at the mouth with aggression, has my best mate pinned down is going to town on his leg. Duran is screaming for my help. Now, if Raton-el-Toro attempted to hurt my friend I would not hesitate to split it up – but this is no measly fighting bull. This is Shamus.

Why Monkeys Freak Me Out

I dislike monkeys. Something deep down inside of me is repulsed by their little inquisitive eyes, their curious nature and opposable thumbs. Not sure if it’s because they throw poo at each other, have a tug when they are bored or that they think they are higher up on the food chain than me but I really, really dislike monkeys. It may be to do with some mental scaring:

Ryan Kenny turns 30

“Merry Christmas Daddy” says the meager and impoverished little child draped in tatty old rags. “I brought it with my own money” he says proudly. He has been delivering newspapers on his bicycle at 5am for the past 3 months to save up enough money to buy Daddy a gift. His first gift ever.  “My Son, what a wonderful thing to do” as he unwraps it. “Ah, a soda stream machine. Isn’t that wonderful? Thank you so very much” Then, the child starts to sob. Daddy is not pleased. What kind of an arsehole returns a melted soda stream machine covered in beer mold? Hmm…oops.

Lisa and Johan, Meet Dodgy Doug

I’m in a trench. I am covered in mud, blood and Amarulla. Nobody loves me. I am just going to stay here in this hole and when the construction workers come back in the morning they can backfill over the top of me and that will be that.

Do you Taunt Death?

Oh no. I am here again. It sucks being here. Well actually it feels amazing but through my experience I know that it never, ever, ends well. The world looks so different from this angle. The trees look like green stalactites dripping creatively from the black tarmac roof. Yes, I am in mid-air. Head over heels as so to speak with my motorbike doing cartwheels behind me. This is going to suck.

Zeplins got Cock

There isn’t a disinfectant on this planet that could have saved my finger. It was infected. Poisoned rather. Being the good Samaritan doesn’t always pay off.

Belarus is Awesome

It is hot. Like, serious freaking hot. My chest is on fire from the wood slates that I am lying down on while I’m trying to keep my balls from singeing like over cooked eggs on a frying pan. SMACK! This massive burly Russian guy, like that fellow from Rocky 1, beats my back with a shambock type arrangement of sea weed. He dips in back into the hot water and SMACK! What the hell have I gotten into here?

Take a Long Walk off a Short Pier

I was a bit too young to fully understand what had just happened. All I remember is Duran’s dad hoping on top of the couch and jumping around in a frenzy while the house shook on its foundations. “We won! We Won!” he was shouting as he picked Duran and I up on his shoulders still with our lumo-lace up roller skates dangling from our chicken legs.

The Origin of Whodie

Please spell that for me sir: “W H O D I  E @ email.com” I would say. It normally is received by a long quiet pause… “Who Die? Sir?”  Back in the day I would correct her by pronouncing it: Hoo-dee but now I’m just like: “Yes… Who Die”.

Colts and Collisions

I have never thought that screwing insurance companies was the right thing to do. I understand that the reason they charge so much is because they get screwed so much. They must lose billions to fraudulent claims and so those billions are recovered from the customers. I always felt it wasn’t right – until I actually had to deal with one of them.

Ballito Boxing

Shame. I didn’t mean for that to go that well. All I wanted was for that young knob shiner to learn an important lesson. A lesson in accounting. Cause and effect.  A lesson that will serve him well as a business man later on in his life: “Don’t let your mouth write cheques that your body can’t cash”

Comrades 2015

He is running. “This is great” he thinks to himself, “I want to run the comrades when I’m older. I am only 10yrs old now but I will run the comrades some day!”.  With a big smile on his face and the fresh morning air filling his lungs he is running at full stride alongside the famous Comrades route. Giggling and skipping alongside the road and then BOOM! That poor little bugger – Barbara threw the bus door open with imperfect timing and that poor, happy, little bugger ran full tilt into 5 tons of solid bus door. He lay there, silent, wrenching in pain. We canned ourselves laughing…. Poor form….

Ryan's Bachelor Party

What? What’s that? You want to eat my Star trooper? Wow – I feel good. Nurse, I love you. You are awesome. Why can’t she talk properly? Stop mumbling. Maybe she is a special nurse, for special cases? Am I special? But I don’t understand why am I special? Oh kak, I am brain damaged! Geez like it I am hungry…Ooh – look how soft this cotton wool is!

Morphine is awesome.

The German Dark Side

Sitting at the traffic lights on the corner of Amsterdam and Swartbos with the German tech motor purring away. Left foot on brake, right foot to bring the revs up just a little and hold her there. Anticipate the green light. Blink. Without mercy - Smash the accelerator down, drop the brake and burn off down the hill towards the infamous Ripley’s Corner. Okay big girl, show me what you got…

First Day, First Luck

It’s a beautiful and crisp winter’s morning in Sunny Witbank in mid May 2010. With sub-zero temperatures, sleet carrying winds, frost bitten ears and teeth so cold that plaque doesn’t grow I headed out from my parents’ house and into my Alfa at 06:00am. Yes, Witbank Winter is indescribably unpleasant but that didn’t get me down. It’s a beautiful day because I finally got a job again…Hmm…Why is my Director calling me? This can’t be good…

Lexi

I've never been afraid of the highest heights, Or afraid of flying high, I've never been afraid of the wildest fights, Not afraid of dying. But now I want off this ride 'cause she's scaring me, and I don't like where we're going. I need a new funfair, 'cause she's scaring me, And I don't like where we're going… And now you're gonna miss me. I know you're gonna miss me. I guarantee you miss me…'Cause you changed the way you kiss me : Queue wheel spin and through a doughnut!

Gregs Exorcism

Watching me head bang to Limp Bizkit - Faith on some other chicks Facebook page makes me think: I have had some truly horrific hangovers in my life. Sitting here, chin deep in my coffee with Lucozade and Panado making their way around my system  I reflect on the most epic hangover victim of all time…Not me by the way… Greg.

Black Goo

I get stalked a hell of a lot. Well I used to. It may be the wedding ring that puts weird people off or the fact that now I am a lot more vigilant with whom I share random drinking binges alongside, but there was a time where I had a number of stalkers on my case. Men…by the way.

Pounced on by Pepsi

Black and Yellow. If it goes fast and I can kill myself on it – then it has to be black and yellow. My first pair of roller skates: Black cloth with yellow laces. First Roller Blades: Black plastic and yellow wheels. My Honda Fireblade, first speed boat spin and when I was asked what jumper I want for my skydive? Of course – the black and yellow guy.

Lesson in Physics in Chemistry class

Getting older means you start to lose a lot of your sense of humour. The simple things become more complex and so they aren't as funny as they used to be. Take for instance: Fat people. Proper overweight people with the BMI like a cricket score. That used to be the funniest thing in highschool. 

Left Eye Blind

“Hello Sir, my name is Lieutenant Schoeman from the traffic police department. How are you this morning?” Okay… balls. This isn’t good. Where was I last night? “Hello Sir can you hear me?”…What happened again? Maybe she has the wrong number?...” Sir, am I speaking to Mr Douglas?” Oh poo. Why is my face so swollen?

Puberty in Public

Puberty is a strange thing. Never mind the uncontrollable raging hard on’s and the overwhelming fascination with your teachers boobs, the most difficult part I found was the temper tantrums. In a flash I would go from “Ha ha ha that was funny: You put a drawing pin on my chair” to “Eat the pin you little effer! Eat it!” Yesterday was one such day. Today I’m getting caned by the Principal: Three strikes per infringement so that’s nine lashings with the thinnest most wicked little cane.

Resident Evil

Its 05:00am and about 5 degrees Celsius. Cruising along in a pair of shorts, a ripped shirt and no shoes while sitting on the fuel tank on my motorbike. The road looks like a lane of black marshmallows, with the trees swaying from side to side like in the Jungle Book movie, as we head back to school to drop off the Fender Strata PA system.

Getting out of Hand

Cold tiles. As my eyes adjust all I can remember is ice cold floor tiles. I remember thinking the lounge looks pretty interesting from this angle. The sun slices its way through the kitchen blinds and slowly warms up my toes while I fall back to sleep again. My work college steps over me to get to the kettle and says “Mate – you look terrible in pink and you're running seriously late for work”…Partying hard on a work night is a kak idea.

Carefree in the UAE

Caaaarefree, wherever you may be, cause we are the Famous C F C  - and we don’t give a f**k whomever you may be - cause we are the Famous C F C…

Turn the Volume Down

All beat and no heat. Greg used to own a VW Citi Golf with a 1300cc carburetor fed lawnmower motor. It produced about as much power as a pack of silk worms but that wasn’t a problem because he had a bazooka sized exhaust coming out the back of it. A real potato launcher type thing that made that little motor sound like the angry cursing of Thor. 

Raver Greg

Greg was never much of a dancer. Nirvana and Placebo didn't rate disco rave madness all that highly and so, in turn, never did he. However, tonight, there is this 15 year old guy on the dance floor in Recess giving it absolute hell. All alone, there in the center of the room, at 03:00am and dancing as if the floor was electrocuting him. This guy who looked, dressed and drank just like Greg…

Taking Class

Tate was my sister’s first long running boyfriend. He was a knob. Saying that I was 16 or so at the time so pretty much any guy that dated my big sister was a knob from the word go.

The Beat Drop

Through all the genres of music I enjoy the one that always seems to make its way out after a few brewski’s is rave music. Not happy clappy bee bop bollocks dance music – no no – I am talking about Rave. Suppose they don’t call it rave anymore really with Trance, Electro Beat, House, Techno and Dub Step all coming to the fore as their own separable entities but the ones I enjoy, the ones that stick, all share very similar qualities across all these genres.

The Afrikaner Bommer

“This looks like a great spot to learn how to throw a doughnut” says Greg to which I have a look around and drunkardly agree. So full lock to the right, pick up the revs and drop the clutch: The SX flicks out her back side and spins about a third of a circle. “Okay, more acceleration this time” I say and he revs his Nissan off the limiter and drops the accelerator flat– round and round we go! Our first doughnut in his car and boy is it fun. Until we spot the flashing blue lights…

Okie Dokie Sirr

They are a salt-of-the-earth kind of race with good values and a relatively strong will to work. Thin, meagre and malnourished they go about their daily work on my construction site in sweltering 50 degrees Celsius heat and sand storms. Health and Safety? What’s that?

Booze Cruise on a Car Roof

I noticed the stretch of road in front of me open up. I hear the torque monster motor purring with anticipation. I have two butt naked guys on the roof of my car, holding onto beer quarts and discussing the morning booze cruise. I can’t take it…the road is just too beautiful…I hope these guys can hang on because it is go time…

Quasimodo on Speed

I was thinking about an old mate of mine named SheepHead. Thin, lanky Ludacris looking mofo with a massive afro. Well most of the time when he wasn’t sporting Sean Paul corn rows or day before payday fuzz. I did corn rows once – I rate she literally pulled out bits of scalp. Like Inglorious Barbers – She wants her scalps!

Honda...What a Cock Block

I flick the revs up and down to signal the race. I hear the acceptance and response from the fella in the blacked out VW Golf GTI two lanes down. I pay my money, pick up the revs to 4500rpm and hold her tight against the handbrake.  The boom gates go up, my clutch drops hard and I set off like a bat out of hell. Who said toll gates can’t be fun?

Beans with Caffeine in Them

Boredom is a strange thing. Some people eat, some people sleep and some people go mad with a butchers cleaver in a post office. Me: I write articles about all the dumb s**t I got up to in my younger years.

Take Away Ribs and Ronaldinho

So I am on a training course in Jhb again. Sitting here in my little single serving bedroom and it got me thinking about the last course I was on. September 2012 and a group of us from the construction industry get together and learn about various management skills.